Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the psychological toll this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.