Those Phrases from My Parent That Saved Me as a New Father

"I think I was simply just surviving for twelve months."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

But the reality soon turned out to be "very different" to what he pictured.

Serious health issues during the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their infant son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… every stroll. The duty of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his father, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward phrases "You are not in a good spot. You must get assistance. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering.

His experience is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although people is now more comfortable talking about the pressure on mothers and about post-natal depression, less is said about the challenges new fathers face.

'It's not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his difficulties are linked to a wider inability to communicate among men, who still hold onto negative ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and doesn't fall time and again."

"It isn't a display of weakness to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the opportunity to request a pause - taking a couple of days overseas, outside of the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan believes these will help his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen was without reliable male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" bond with his dad, profound trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "poor actions" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as an escape from the anguish.

"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he notes. "They might short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Tips for Coping as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, confide in a friend, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel less alone.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - a good diet, staying active and if you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your emotional health is coping.
• Connect with other new dads - hearing about their stories, the challenges, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after yourself is the best way you can support your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having been out of touch with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's committed not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead give the security and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their issues, changed how they talk, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo recently," Ryan adds. "I wrote, sometimes I feel like my role is to guide and direct you how to behave, but actually, it's a exchange. I'm learning as much as you are in this journey."